On winter, grief, and dying.

Hello my beloveds,

I hope the holiday season is holding you with warmth, joy and tenderness.

Five weeks into my social media detox, I keep being asked by Spirit to write a message for you, so today I’m actually sitting down, sipping on drip coffee + oat milk, and allowing the words to melt through my fingers.

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If there’s one thing we all have in common, it is that winter brings us closer to death and magic.

There is something magical about this time of the year, beyond the Christmas crazy-ness & last minute gift shopping, a secret that nature has been keeping for eons.

Beyond the madness, there’s silence.

Beyond the fear of what’s next, there’s awareness.

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It’s been 11 years since the last time I experienced a “real” winter, Miami only had 2 seasons, rainy and dry, and so did Peru, Guatemala, and Costa Rica.

Being back in Georgia has brought in a most profound understanding of the Earth & its cyclical nature. One that is nourishing every cell of my being.

As I’ve walked amongst the naked trees and silent rivers, December surprised me with a new-found sense of clarity and maturity, right as I ended my 24th year around the Sun — welcoming 25, the quarter-century year, has been a powerful initiation, indeed.

Two days before my birthday, I was greeted by death and grief, not only because a big part of me was dying, but because suddenly and unexpectedly, a dear sister of mine, breath-work mentor, and soul guide, Maya, transitioned and is now an Angel who sits beside me and all those who were lucky enough to meet her during her short-time on Earth.

Since then, I’ve been observing the cycles of grief very closely within myself and those around me.

Grief usually starts with shock, almost as if our body has to catch up with the sudden news that our minds are still processing.

Following comes denial, “it should’t be this way” “she should still be here!” “we had plans to meet in Mexico!”.

And then, the deep grief and sadness hits you like a truck. Listening to her last voice-messages and hysterically crying at 1am, drinking tear-infused tea and taking a couple bites of regret for breakfast, wishing I would have called or texted her sooner.

The next, most necessary step in our grieving process, are rites of passage.

Some kind of ceremony or memorial where we can honor the life, gifts, and beauty of those who have “crossed to the other side of the river” is necessary for our grieving process to continue. It was only following Maya’s memorial last Wednesday that I was able to make peace within my body, mind, and Heart, and accept that she left because her calling was much bigger, and that from “up there” her purpose continues; in her omni-presence, her love is absolutely unbounded.

Losing a loved one teaches us to move forward, to let go. Understanding that even though the physical form of a cherished one might not exist anymore, their energetic imprint and infinite love resides in each of the hearts of those they touched, and continues to live on, as their purpose is infinite and multi-dimensional. 

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I’ve been noticing how these 5 stages of grief (shock, denial, sadness, rite of passage, and acceptance) directly apply to the processes we move through when a part of us (career, relationship, dream, etc..) reaches it’s expiration date.

During the process of inner transformation, most of us get stuck in the first 3 stages, and without the proper community, ceremony, and stories to hold us, it can be quite difficult to move on and transition into the next stage of our lives.

Rites of passages help us process, accept & integrate our own death/life cycles so that we may continue to grow and evolve as wholesome, integrated human beings.

As my artist friend, Andres, wrote in his song Estrella de Diamante y Fuego; “Algo esta muriendo en mi por nacer” -- “Something is dying inside of me to be reborn”.

Endings matter just as much as beginnings do. 

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During this season of rebirth and transmutation, I invite you to find your way into sacred ceremony, whether it is with yourself or in community.

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If you are also grieving someone you love during this holiday season, I send you a big warm hug and loving compassion.

You are not alone, and my inbox is always open for you.

May these days be filled of light, joy, and presence.

With love,

Catalina

*In honor to my dear diamond and fire star, my rainbow angel Maya.